to be honest / jun 26

 

to be honest dear God, oh Lord in heaven, i’m asking You

to be honest dear God, oh Lord in heaven, i’m asking You

to be honest dear God, oh Lord in heaven, i’m asking You  

 

do you remember the trees

or even the river!

❌👎

🐕‍🦺🐕‍🦺🐕⛓️🐶💥

🤯

🙏🙏

                                    

🆗🐑🐑

                                                                                            💝😻✝️

            

💝😻✝️

                                                                                                        

💝😻✝️

                                                                            🤯💏🛤️🛤️🛤️🛤️🛤️🛤️

to be honest dear God, oh Lord in heaven, i’m asking You nicely today. i do not want to be remembered for just trying. i want to show what i am to the world. to You. to my father, to my fathers father. i want to be a good daughter. i want to be a successful daughter. i want to write and make You cry and love me and i want You to tell me, i want You to write more. dear Lord God in heaven, i want You to quiet the dog in my head, because she is barking louder than he has ever before. she is chained in silver to a post but wishes to absolve this perimeter. this dog will come home when she is ready, but now and here, today and tomorrow, she can’t breathe except for whining gasps. 

dear God, oh Lord in heaven, i am asking You softly today. can You soften this skin, and make it easier for me to move in? i would like to savour my time spent in this body, because i know what a miracle is. let me be free to move how i wish, how You need me to move, and i will follow this dance in my own sequestered way. dear Lord God in heaven, can You tell me how this story goes? can You tell me how this dream ends before i wake up? before it’s taken away once the fingers touch, reach, find, feel -- before i must see the dull and unchanging light? i want to know where i’ll be and what i need to do to get there. i want to be patient, as patient and waiting as You need, but i'm running out of money, and i’m running out of words, and i’m running out of time.

dear God, oh Lord in heaven, am i the self that observes or am i the self that observes itself? when You see my shadow, do You see me in it? could it be any woman’s shadow, any version of herself, fragmented ideas sewn together. i don’t know what i see any more. i don’t know what are the right questions to ask anymore. i don’t know if i’m looking in the right places nor submitting to the right magazines. can You guide me? can You take my trembling hand and show me to the door, or to the blade, or to the tomorrow that waits? i just need something i can wrap my hands around, something i can feel, something You can let me get a hold of. i’ll take it, i promise You dear Lord, that i’ll take whatever opportunity You put in front of me.  

please Lord God in heaven let me have what i want, or at least let me see what i might become. let it be easy, please just this once let the needle draw no blood, and sequester my insecurities. i do not want to be strong. i just wish to survive until tomorrow. i will heed Your call. i will stand at attention when You ask. Lord please i won't ever ask You again but i fear that this may be my only time to ask, to reach, to find You through these stainless, burning moments. i am not unwell, Lord God, but i cannot stand the light of the sun. i cannot stand this feckless spectacle. this is disaster porn, Lord, and You fucking know it. the four horses are feeding and i am made to keep their water fresh. the barking from Your chained dog unsettles them, so they kick up a fuss, and they tell me, through plastic teeth, that i will die in a horrific, painful way. that this death has already began. they ask for more water, more hay, and they tell me that the death has begun a long, long time ago. Lord, they do this when i stroke their hair, or try to care for them. i’m telling on them. im ratting out. im having the dream where everything i touch is perverse, that my body ruins, that i will go missing but found so easily, because Lord, i have nothing left to hide. 

You have given me a form, and a body, and i try to use these as best as i can. please let this day end. please let these thoughts leave me. i do not need to be fortuitous. i just wish to enjoy this life You have asked i live. none of this is meaningful enough to call suffering. none of this is in need of a follow up, or care. i am doing my very best at offering my supplication to You, dear Lord, as any devout lover would. because i do love You. because i really do love You, dear Lord, God in heaven. i don’t need to ask for help because i am sure You will show me what i can do. where i can get published. what i can eat. what i can enjoy. yes. You will show me and You will quieten the dog and feed the horses. there are animals running and chewing at my guts. You saw it when i bled. You saw it when i bled. 

You saw it when i bled. 

You saw it when i bled, didn’t You? You were watching, 

weren’t You? You saw it too, didn’t You?

the figure in white running just out of Your periphery. he was 

running out of sight. so quickly. what 

do You thiiiink

he was 

scared of?

do You think he saw me when i bled?  when i was trying to hold the 

blood in my body? when the plaster failed and the vessel broke?

do You think he saw the blood and loved it ? do You think he wanted

a taste? he probably wanted more from me. he probably wanted 

better from me. better from me as demonstrated by the spot on my navel going down; but the spots are back on my fucking fingers, and they’re beginning to burn. when did i start down this path? when will i ever make it? when will i better and better and be better and be better and nice and lovable and critical and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and

and and and and and and and

and and and and and and and

and and and and and and and

and and and and and and and

and and and and and and and

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and and and and and and and and 

and and and and and and and

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and and and and and and and

and and and and and and and

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and and and and and and and

and and and and and and and

and and and and and and and

and and and and and and and

and and and and and and and

my laptop charges and then it doesn’t and i eat too much sugar and then my teeth hurt and my body stings when it sweats and my words don’t connect with each other and then it makes me feel like a sick, sick cat, but not the one i imagine, silver cut fur, and then i cut my hair and count all that’s gone and then i feel the cold hand on my shoulder, then my breast, then my arse and the album loops over, spilt all over itself, cold milk souring in the heat, don’t fucking cry about it. You’re a mess. aren’t You proud?

at least someone's having fun during pride 

mikel merino says it’s part of the journey. well, brother, i don’t know what to tell You. there’s a crack in the sole of my left boot and it’s only getting bigger. each step along this road leads me somewhere i don’t want to be. if i try and turn back, the same wear will destroy me from the bottom up. i’m saying my prayers and so should You. pray for me. pray that it gets better. that the riches come through in fleeting and material ways. that the richness is to be remembered. that when it goes, i’ll be back here. i fear the doors to a safe place have opened and closed while i stood stock still, or riding too fast on the bike, or while i was trying to summon maliss <q> hearts crypter. i pray not the last. i pray anything but the last i pray not that i pray not that i pray there’s still time i pray it’s not too late i pray i pray i can stand and i can make it and i can make You happy and i can make You love me and i pray this journey knows it must end. oh, the humming from my laptop makes me feel sick. oh, the humming from my laptop makes me feel sick. oh, the humming from my laptop makes me feel sick. oh, the humming from my laptop makes me feel sick. oh, the humming from my laptop makes me feel sick. oh, the humming from my laptop makes me feel sick. oh, the humming from my laptop makes me feel sick. oh, the humming from my laptop makes me feel sick. oh, the humming from my laptop makes me feel sick. oh, the humming from my laptop makes me feel sick. oh, the humming from my laptop makes me feel sick. oh, the humming from my laptop makes me feel sick. oh, the humming from my laptop makes me feel sick. oh, the humming from my laptop makes me feel sick. oh, the humming from my laptop makes me feel sick. oh, the humming from my laptop makes me feel sick. oh, the humming from my laptop makes me feel sick. oh, the humming from my laptop makes me feel sick. oh, the humming from my laptop makes me feel sick. oh, the humming from my laptop makes me feel sick. oh, the humming from my laptop makes me feel sick. oh, the humming from my laptop makes me feel sick. oh, the humming from my laptop makes me feel sick. oh, the humming from my laptop makes me feel sick. oh, the humming from my laptop makes me feel sick. oh, the humming from my laptop makes me feel sick. oh, the humming from my laptop makes me feel sick. oh, the humming from my laptop makes me feel sick. oh, the humming from my laptop makes me feel sick. oh, the humming from my laptop makes me feel sick. oh, the humming from my laptop makes me feel sick. oh, the humming from my laptop makes me feel sick. oh, the humming from my laptop makes me feel sick. oh, the humming from my laptop makes me feel sick. the music You would call rock i would call metal. the music You would call rock i would call metal. the music You would call rock i would call metal. the music You would call rock i would call metal.  the music You would call rock i would call metal. the music You would call rock i would call metal. the music You would call rock i would call metal. the music You would call rock i would call metal. the music You would call rock i would call metal. the music You would call rock i would call metal. the music You would call rock i would call metal. the music You would call rock i would call metal. the music You would call rock i would call metal. the music You would call rock i would call metal. the music You would call rock i would call metal. the music You would call rock i would call metal. the music You would call rock i would call metal. the music You would call rock i would call metal. the music You would call rock i would call metal. the music You would call rock i would call metal. the music You would call rock i would call metal. the music You would call rock i would call metal. the music You would call rock i would call metal. the music You would call rock i would call metal. the music You would call rock i would call metal. the music You would call rock i would call metal. the music You would call rock i would call metal. the music You would call rock i would call metal. the music You would call rock i would call metal. the music You would call rock i would call metal. the music You would call rock i would call metal. the music You would call rock i would call metal. the music You would call rock i would call metal. the music You would call rock i would call metal. the music You would call rock i would call metal. the music You would call rock i would call metal. the music You would call rock i would call metal. the music You would call rock i would call metal. the music You would call rock i would call metal. the music You would call rock i would call metal. the music You would call rock i would call metal. the music You would call rock i would call metal. the music You would call rock i would call metal. the music You would call rock i would call metal. the music You would call rock i would call metal. the music You would call rock i would call metal. the music You would call rock i would call metal. there’s no rhyme nor reason for what the fuck is going on here. there’s no excuse.